I wish I may, I wish I might; Have the wish I wish tonight

As last minute presents are being wrapped; Michael Buble sings in the background. The wonderful Christmas music soothes a tired Mommy from a long day at work however as much as I try to allow it, the music can not stop the nagging to do list that is plaguing my mind. The only relent that I have from my to do list is the only memory I wish would take a break. One that has weighed heavy on my heart all week...


My Pippa.


She is no longer here... I can't buy her her usual Christmas presents (2 cans of wet food and a cat nip toy). I can't wrap it for her; just to open it again. I cant fall asleep with her just to awake every hour unable to hide my child like glee in knowing Christmas is here. I can't wish her a Merry Christmas or smile wide when she recognizes her presents. Running over to me and pawing at my leg once the click of the can awakens her want for her special treat. But mostly....


I can't hold her, I can't watch her and Rylan interact, I can't kiss her. I can't tell her I love her....


My heart aches and I know that a part of it will never be complete again. Because she was my baby, my first baby...Those who do not have pets will not understand this, however as Christmas nears if I could have only one wish, it would be for my first baby, to meet my baby baby....

All I want for Christmas, is just one more Christmas...with you. 

                                            I love you My Pippa, Merry Christmas 

Christmas time is almost here!!!

Rylans first Christmas will definitely be a fun day! However, I have to be honest and say, I CAN'T wait until next year and the year after that!!! Once he can actually react and tear into the presents, leaving a trail of wrapping and tissue paper through the house, will be so much fun! I can't wait for that!


This year we didn't go crazy getting a bunch of things since he is still so young but ryry will open at least seven or more presents this year :-D I wrapped most of them in tissue paper because it will be easier for Daddy to help Rylan open his presents. It's been a little difficult trying to buy things for Rylan so Daddy doesn't see (I need some kind of reaction!) 


I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner and in a couple weeks we will hit the year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant. It has truly all gone by SO quickly. I can't wait for more holidays and for Rylan to experience the warmth of Summer.


We are so blessed and can't believe we have our family already. This year, by far, is my happiest Christmas and most anticipated 2012 welcoming! As we get the opportunity to watch Rylan learn new things everyday my heart warms! 

Postpartum Wig

Lets get real and be completely honest here:


Postpartum hair-loss.... NOT FUN. That's pretty much all I can say about it. Not all woman are effected however the tons and tons of tresses that fall out of my head and come out in the shower and in my brush show that I am one of the lucky ones plagued by such an annoying hair thinning experience. It's one of the not so pretty effects of post-pregnancy. Because you're hair doesn't shed as it usually does during pregnancy your lovely hormones stop that process,which is why a lot of the time your hair becomes really full and pretty during pregnancy. After delivery (starting at around three months) once your body realizes your not pregnant anymore you start to shed, fun times. A normal woman sheds 100 pieces of hair a day. If you're not doing that for ten months you can understand my annoyance as of now. I have a lot of hair that needs to free itself 10x100 on top of the normal 100 pieces normally. OH JOY. For this reason and also the lack of time you have after having your baby a lot of moms cut their once long hair, short. After delivery, I lasted only a couple days with my always long hair and cut it off. Gradually it has gotten shorter and now rest above my boobs. Which for me is SHORT. However, I am wanting to go shorter....might happen.


SO back to lovely hair-loss and other pregnancy marks of a mommy. I really wanted the stretch marks and morning sickness the entire pregnancy to be enough. As well as the not so easy delivery... SO once this whole postpartum hair-loss started all I wanted to do is scream, STOP! However it can last up to a year. LOVELY! Along with my not so frequent not crazy moments (thanks hormones) or my ever so not so on schedule periods. (Never thought I would want it to show up...) YES please, period. Please show up soon!


Some woman do not get their periods after delivery for a year or only have a couple and then they stop and have to be put on medicine to get their body to regulate itself because some woman's bodies do not regulate naturally. I have had two periods since Rylan was born and am now...playing the waiting game. And no, I do not want to take a test that gives you a negative and positive result, (protection is used, thank you) Yeah ignorance is bliss.... Right? :-)


So with Christmas approaching my hair losing, hormonal ragging, crazy mood swinging, tired, overwhelmed, happy, then sad, body will try it's best to get through the season without tripping over strands of hair and in the process not pulling out the eight hairs I have left.

It's Like: Mommyhood

"So, how is it being a mommy"? That's the initial question I hear most of the time these days....I smile and say "It's good, I'm sleep deprived, but it's worth it"... That seems to suffice the interviewer and they laugh, agree, and walk away. 


I'm glad. I'm glad that suffices their trying to make conversation because they haven't seen me for awhile curiosity. Because honestly...."How is it being a mommy"?

Well,

It's a lot of:  Will I ever sleep, eww you stink, you need a shower (No, not daddy or baby) but you. As in me. As in when was the last time I took a shower? As in, wow has a month really gone by that fast? (but not without a shower, lets clear that up...) As in getting up too fast and becoming dizzy. Then blinking too many times for clarity.


As in can you get me some coffee and then some more....go ahead fill my cup over. It's like I need help and thank you daddy for getting up when mommy can't open her eyes. It's like why is he crying? Have you gone through the check list? Diaper dirty? Feeding time? Just cranky? Gas? Tired? Lonely? Want's to cuddle? Just wants to play? Needs a bath because baby is on mommys schedule and mommy forgets and baby stinks and then he smiles once bath time is complete. Then you remember. Oh yeah it has been two days....(which only happened once, or twice. Don't judge, sleep walking living is tough you know.)


It's a lot of honesty, mixed with tears and joy and sometimes sadness. It's epic it's amazing it's like standing in line at Hershey Park at the fastest highest ride available and almost peeing your pants because you are so scared you literally wish you had chosen the back car to ride in, instead of the front. It's like wanting to turn around but the lines to long. It's like the lump in your throat and wishing you hadn't had breakfast before getting in line. It's like holding your husbands hand and relying on all your friends and just jumping for the heck of it and getting on the ride. It's as if you are getting in the first seat and acting like you are boss because (yeah, I've never done this before but look at me I choose the riskiest seat of all) It's like waiting for smiles and laughs and words. It's like sitting on your flip-flops and worrying they are going to fly out from under you while the rides in motion. It's like the click click click of the ride. It's like the cry that breaks the 5a.m. silence when you have only slept an hour and you just worked ten and have to do it all over again tomorrow. It's like taking the plunge and screaming, screaming, screaming, because that's all you can do. But then realizing, "Hey, I can let go". So your hands go up and you laugh. You laugh because you're not afraid anymore. You smile because your strong enough. You scream to intensify the purity of taking a risk and well... not failing. It's like jumping off, out of breath, then looking at your rock and yelling "Lets do it again!"  


It's like flashing lights while driving and passing go without collecting and falling over your feet; over and over and over again. It's like poetry in motion and spit up and poop and pee and busy days where sleep rules and  cleaning and laundry sits in the corner gossiping how you've really let yourself go. It's like realizing all you want to do (need to do) is hold your blessing. So you do. You hold them and cry, laugh, cry some more, laugh till you cry, look in the mirror; frown, then smile because theirs a blessing in your arms that used to be there...in your womb; with you twenty four seven but now...realizing that's no longer reality. It's like waking up and the world slapping you in the face. It's like waking up and slapping it back and screaming at the top of your lungs "I will win this fight"! It's like being rewarded the biggest trophy and being one too.


It's an out of breath, coffee fueled, adrenaline driving, crazed lapse of time, learning to climb, taking the risk, believing you'll be fine, leaning on the strength who's controlling everything from the sky, It's like: understanding He wont let you go....It's an upside down, hysterically mad roller coaster ride. 


It's amazing. It's my life. (and maybe yours) It's fun. It's difficult. It's new. It's my miracle. It's my roller coaster....It's my Mommyhood. It's my Joy.


                                                                ...........................

"So, how is it being a mommy"? I smile "It's good, I'm sleep deprived, but it's worth it".

Rylans Two Month Check Up

Rylans two month check up went beautifully! Rylan smiled and flirted his way through his appointment. Weighing in at 12lbs 4oz and 23 3/4in. long the doctor was very pleased at his growth, surprised at how alert he was, and kept commenting on the fact that she couldn't believe how funny it was that he wouldn't stop watching Kevin and I as she examened him. His good mood even got the doctor to ask "Is he always this well mannered"? However all the cooing, flashing of smiles, and batting his long eye lashes couldn't take away the pain of three shots and a drink of medicine that the "mean" nurse had to give our little boy. It was so hard to not cry however I will say I remained very strong and as I looked away still holding my little Rylans hand, tears welled up but did not spill over. As soon as the nurse was done, I scooped up my crying baby and clung to him, wishing I could take away his pain...


Since getting his shots, he has had fever off and on and is a lot more fussy than normal, which the doctor warned could happen. He is fighting sleep more and just can't seem to get comfortable at times. I am hoping that the fussy little boy soon leaves and my happy Rylan soon re-appears, because this mommy and daddy miss his smiles and cooing!


Even though Rylan Paul hasn't been his normal self, at times we have been able to catch some happy moments pre-shots and post-shots, including when he discovered his hands!

Routinely Learning

Everyday is somewhat different however one thing remains the same...Rylan rules the clock :-D He doesn't have a set schedule yet; we just are clocking how long it is between feedings and just watching him get bigger and learn new things everyday. Whether it is smiling more, discovering his hands, cooing more, drooling A LOT (the beginning of teething, lucky us, he's starting early!) or growing out of all his clothes we are really enjoying being parents!


We can't wait until we can say "Yes, he does sleep all night through!" That will be nice! Though, daddy and I are very tired we have somewhat of a routine. Whenever Rylan gets up at an hour in the day that daddy and I can stand up and logically pick up a bottle and put it in his mouth apposed to the tv remote, we know we've gotten enough sleep to function and start our day :-D


Daddy cooks an awesome lunch and I clean up the mess! It works for us! Then if there is any time before daddy has to leave for work we just hang out as a family. However I will be honest and say that I am really worried for how it is all going to work once I go back to work on December 1st. I am not looking forward to leaving my baby boy! My dream would be able to stay home with him, however as of now that is not something we can do. All in Gods timing is what I have to repeat everyday, one day I will be able to be a stay at home mom...one day...


I can't believe Ry is two months old!!! He has his two month check-up this week and I can't wait to see how much he has grown since last month! I am NOT looking forward to the shots he is going to get though, I believe this weekend will not be as relaxing as we would have liked. Rylan has sensitive skin and scares easily. So we will see how he does with getting shots :-(


I have taken a lot of pictures in the past month and will update with pictures as soon as I can, it has been a busy month with moving into a new apartment (still in our same building) but we are loving finally feeling as though we have found our stride and are settled in. Hopefully this weekend I can update with pics!

Thanks For Reading!

A Special Memory

I have always known how very blessed I am to know my grandparents and share such an unbreakable bond with them. And I have always known how blessed I am to also know my great grandparents and recall memories spending the night at their house followed by sitting in the same seat every morning and great grammal pouring a heaping bowl of yummy apple jacks cereal, sleepies still in my eyes.


However the realization of such a blessing becomes forthright and overwhelmingly beautiful when your own son, no matter his age, meets his Great Great Grandfather.... I know fairytale endings are not reality, but I must say this blessing we have breathlessly ripped from a page of a fairytale and for this captured moment... breathed it in...

Everyday is a photo shoot!

 He got bored and wanted to be like daddy and play the xbox!

"Really mom...more picture taking"???

Oh how I love being a Mommy!

Usually this is how Rylan sleeps!

                                                    Daddy put his juice bottle with Ry while 

                                          I was getting ready so we could go out and run errands. 

                                      I laughed so hard when I saw this I HAD to take a picture!!! 

Rylan LOVES to stand up! (With daddys help of course! :-D )

.....My most precious blessing from above...

My baby boy is getting so big!

Rylan had his first month check up on October 10th! He now weights 9lbs 13oz and is 22inch long! The doctor said he is doing great but thought he may have acid-reflux so he was put on medicine. However after only one dose Rylan cried all day.So I decided to just wait and see if just changing his formula intake would help the projectile vomiting and it did! We have only had one episode in a week and that is definitely better! Before he was throwing up every other day, multiple times a day.


Yesterday was a first, but for mommy and daddy! We let grammy (Kevins mom) babysit for a couple hours so we could go to the Fulton Fall Folk Festival! We sure missed our baby boy however we did have a great time and Rylan did awesome with grammy! Rylan also slept for three hours in his crib last night so that was also a great way to end the day!


A lot has happened in the past couple weeks, Rylan is cooing more and awake more during the day. He also had his first big boy bath at the beginning of the month!!! He LOVES the water (just like his mommy!)

It will get better....Right?

I had to switch to giving Rylan all formula :( This hurts me as I feel like a bad mom for doing so... I absolutely loved breastfeeding, I never had any problems with it at all....but because my blood pressure is still high (it's called Postpartum hypertension and effects some mothers after they deliver) I had to be put on some medicine for just a short time to control it and its not safe to take while breastfeeding (even though my doctor said it was LADIES do your research!!!! DO NOT take medicine just because your doctor said it was OK, I have learned now that you need to follow your instincts, and mine were right! DO THE RESEARCH!

Usually the high bp calms down between two and six weeks after delivery. So please keep me in your prayers that I can get it under control and do not have to keep taking medicine. I HATE taking medicine! I try to avoid even taking Tylenol, so taking blood pressure medicine makes me feel extremely unhealthy, even though I eat more healthy now then I have ever before, I know its something that I cant control because its related to delivery and I just have to remember that.

When we initially had to switch to half breastfeeding, half formula Rylan started to projectile vomit :( Once we realized he was just eating too frequently; it stopped once we stretched the feedings. However now he is starting to do it again! The first day on all formula he did fantastic! However yesterday and this morning he keeps throwing up after some feedings. I told the nurse last time we went for his weight check that I thought he had acid-reflux or could be lactos intolerant. She said that either could be right but we would just wait to switch to soy or put him on any medicine for acid-reflux. I am going to keep track of how much he is eating versus throwing up and if it continues to be about every other feeding I am going to push more for seeing about him having acid-reflux. I hope we can get it all under control as it is getting extremely frustrating and the constant need to do laundry is soon going to drain our pockets in buying detergent! 

The first of many first...

Rylans first doctors appointment on September 15th, 2011 went well, minus peeing on daddy and the nurse. All that was of concern was his weight gain. Because of the trauma of delivery my milk had not come in yet until the day prior to his check up so they decided to check his weight in a week to see if he would gain back some of the ounces he had lost while in the hospital. After a second appointment his weight was still not up that much so the doctor choose to allow me to do half breastfeeding and half formula since we didn't think my body was producing enough for him. After a week of doing both Rylan gained a pound!!! The doctor was extremely surprised and very pleased since he only expected him to gain half a pound. Sooo.... as of his last appointment on September 26, our baby boy weighed 8lbs, 9oz!

Since I couldn't get around very easily because of being anemic and the pain from my incision causing my movements and ability to lessen; Mimi came along to help Daddy and I out with Rylan :-D. Below are some pictures from Rylans first doctors appointment!

On the way to the doctors!

Mimi trying to calm Ryry until the doctor came in.

  The same doctor I had as my pediatrician, is now Rylans doctor!!!

                       

 All done and dressed but still not happy after having to be naked and messed with. Daddy and Mimi are trying to calm him down, again.

Heading home, HAPPY!

Rylans Birth

Our Happy Beginning

The doctor rushed in quickly. He lifted the sheet and his expression turned grim. As he checked me for dilation announcing that I was only at four centimeters. I laid there not registering what was about to happen. With each contraction a surge of blood left me and my vision blurred; my head becoming foggy. Before I could process much of anything the doctor already announced that an emergency c-section needed to happen.

As I laid there two nurses tried to insert a catheter however with so much blood they had to try three times before finally getting it in. Kevin was already dressed in scrubs and my mom and mother in law had been pushed back by the door, only able to watch everything unfold. As a nurse lifted my head to put my hair in the blue surgical hat my fears about what was going to happen rose ten fold. "Are we doing an epidural"? I heard a nurse ask the doctor as at least five or more people rushed around me. "Yes, the doctor said, but if there is not enough time, it will be local anesthesia." In seconds my bed was moving towards the door, headed for surgery. With a quick tear filled goodbye to my mom and mother in law a nurse informed me that Kevin would be back with me after they prepped me.

As I was rushed into a brightly lit sterile operating room the feeling of being completely alone engulfed me as the fear of all that was happening bustled around me. I felt totally alone and numb with fear. Saying a quick prayer as they tried between contractions to insert the epidural my strength wavered. Taking a deep breath I knew I had to trust that God had everything under control. It was my only hope.

As I laid back and felt the epidural take effect, the doctor started getting ready to start the c-section. As the blue curtain rose to cover my sight of what the doctor was about to do, my heart sped up as I realized I could still feel my toes. Not knowing what to do and extremely worried that I was going to feel what they were about to do I spoke up. "Umm, I, I, can still feel my legs". The anesthesiologist calmly stated that the numbness would get stronger very quickly. With a nervous laugh I took his word for it, but not before trying to move my toes just one more time. When I couldn't feel my attempt at movement a calm settled my nerves and suddenly my support was at my side. "Hi" Kevin breathed. Tears came to my eyes as I looked up at him only able to see his eyes behind his mask; I was no longer alone, "Hi" I smiled.

For about a minute a light tugging and pulling feeling was all that I could feel as the doctors worked and then suddenly I heard Rylan cry. At first it didn't register that that was my son; he was safe and I was still here to hear him cry....I looked up at Kevin as the nurse lifted Rylan over for us to see. The curtain was hiding Rylans face, so all I could see was his belly and legs. As Kevin looked from Rylan to me tears filled his eyes and he loving leaned in and kissed me on my forehead. "Is he cute"? I asked. Kevin laughed "Yes, he said, he's beautiful."

I so badly wanted Kevin to stay by my side however as a nurse yelled, "Dad, come here and cut the umbilical cord" my moral support left my side. After Kevin cut the cord my family was rushed away and there I lay once again, alone.

The longest part was waiting as I was being sewed back up. As I heard the sound of the staple gun all I could think was, my baby is safe and I would without a doubt go through all that I had just gone through again having my son as the outcome.

All the pain that I then endured during the hospital stay and after was all worth it. Everything from needing my husband to shower me and help me go to the bathroom because I couldn't do it myself. Only being able to move with the help of a nurse and pain medicine. Feeling at one point that I was loosing consciousnesses when I reacted badly to a dose of benadryl and sobbing when the excruciating pain that surged through my body with every attempt to move overwhelmed me even a week after delivery.

When I was unable to get out of bed for a day and a half after I delivered due to being uncontrollably dizzy; later finding out it was because I had lost so much blood during delivery that I had become anemic; almost needing a blood transfusion. Being told that because of what happened; my placenta tore away and ruptured during delivery, that they can not be certain that I will be able to get pregnant again but think it a likely possibility.

Even almost losing my own life...to bring a new life into this world...

I would endure it all again...

Just to hold my son, to kiss my son, to hug my son, to love my son, to raise my son; 

Rylan Paul Brown, born 9/10/11 at 10:54pm weighing 8lbs, 6.3oz, 
19 1/4 inches long.

I would go through everything for you my precious little boy, my miracle,
 I love you.

Our story...

The sun poured in through our bedroom window casting a bright outlook for the day. As soon as my eyes opened a strong ache in my back caused me to stretch, trying to relieve the pain. After getting up and going to the bathroom followed with more stretching I laid back down, defeated. Nothing worked, so I decided to try and fall back asleep. Usually the pains would go away once I fell asleep however this time it was different. I blinked at our bedroom clock as the numbers glared at me. It was nine fifteen a.m. I knew I had just gone to the bathroom at nine and though I thought it odd that I had gotten awake just fifteen minutes after laying down I forced closed my eyes and dozed back off trying to ignore my discomfort. However I awoke again only fifteen minutes later to the same pains. My thoughts started to surge as my mind wandered. Oh no, I thought, was this it? Looking at the clock once more I realized that I had always been able to sleep once Braxton hicks contractions started and I knew me waking up every fifteen minutes was not the norm.

As tightness in my back formed and pain came around the front of my abdomen once again, now marking that these contractions were now ten minutes apart; I looked over at my husband soundly sleeping, knowing I needed to wake him. “Babe, I said trying to remain calm, Babe, I repeat again trying to stir him. He opened his eyes slowly then closed them. I sighed, anxiety filling my every emotion; I really needed him to wake up. Shaking him I spoke “Babe please wake up, I really think I’m in labor”. He slowly opened his eyes, living up to his hard to wake demeanor and slightly looked at me giving me slight recognition. “What”? he asked. “I think I’m in labor” I said again. He sat up quickly “Really” he exclaimed, panic filling his expression. I nodded. He was awake now.

The morning progressed with Kevin getting ready for work as I breathed through contractions and got ready to spend the day with my family. As we left the house my contractions that had now been ten minutes apart decided to become five minutes apart. About five minutes from my parents house my contractions then became four to three minutes apart. As I walked inside my parents’ house, Kevin was now on the phone calling off work, knowing this had to be it. As my mom saw my face I spoke “I think I’m in labor”. As I tried to tell her what had been going on since nine fifteen she spoke “Oh, yeah this is the real thing, you stop talking when one comes; this is definitely labor.” I decided to try and see if they stayed between three and four minutes apart for the next hour before I hastily called the doctor. As we waited I had some jelly toast, the only thing I had eaten all day. It took me an hour to eat it as each contraction became closer. By the time they were two and a half minutes apart I decided I needed to call the doctor. Within ten minutes they called me back and my doctor told me to come on in to labor and delivery.

Kevin and I left and made our way to the hospital. Honestly as we drove Kevin looked over and laughed at me as he saw me fixing my makeup. I smiled and casually breathed through each contraction.  Once we pulled into the parking lot my heart started to race. I hate hospitals and knew if I was going in there I better be leaving with my baby. I did not want another false alarm; I emotionally and mentally wouldn’t be able to handle it. As the double doors of the hospital automatically opened I squeezed Kevin’s hand and asked him to slow down, a contraction took my complete attention and I needed to go slow. As we made it back the hallway to the elevators I became very nauseous and stopped to use the restroom. Quickly going inside I started gagging but nothing came up, as soon as I thought I might be able to relieve my stomach of the only thing in there; two pieces of toast, I heard the bathroom door open and more people come in. Luckily I was able to regain my composure and keep down my food. As I washed my hands I turned to the side and glanced just once more at my baby bump. Tears came to my eyes as a wash of acknowledgement of what was about to happen became clear. In that moment I knew without a doubt that I was not going to see my baby bump again. Taking a deep breath I opened the door with tears in my eyes reached for Kevin’s hand for more than just walking support; and we made our way up to labor and delivery.

They took us into a monitoring room and quickly hooked me up to the baby heart rate monitor and contraction monitor. After checking my dilation and informing me I was only three centimeters dilated they then checked my blood pressure. It was high. Having high blood pressure at times accompanies being overdue; and because I already was having contractions and was at least three centimeters they admitted me and our labor and delivery story really began.   

As we made our way into room 578 the white and blue backdrop of the hospital faded and my nerves elevated. This was it. I could do this. You can do this, was all that ran through my mind. As I laid there each contraction became stronger and my will to get through what I expected to happen stood firm, I had to believe God would get me through the scary unknown of delivery. As I breathed, prayed, breathed, prayed through each contraction, I never expected my story to take the turn it did. At 10.25pm a strong contraction took my complete attention and as it ended I felt a gush of fluid release. “Umm I, I think my water just broke” I said nervously, trying to get the nurses attention as I felt more fluid run out. As the nurse calmly pulled back the sheet ready to check me her calm demeanor changed and she quickly stood up checked my vitals, looked over at me her eyes wide and said “I’m just going to go get the doctor, ok, I just want him to check as I’m seeing more blood than normal”. I nodded as tears came to my eyes. I reached for Kevins hand as a blurry vision of my nurse exited the room. Looking over at my husband for support, I blinked and then everything took a turn for the worse…

To be continued…

Over Due, with some much needed info thrown in.

Rylan is definitely NOT early as it is now two days past my due date.....I have already been proven wrong by my son. Uhoh!...(I blame kevin :-D)

Being tired. Irritated. And just worn out. Especially after my doctors appointment that still showed no more dilation or change, yesterday I felt SO defeated... The thought of working this last week before my induction poised a looming threat that of all weeks to go into labor at work, this would definitely be the one seeing as I am now an over due library book. I literally could not handle the anxiety anymore and decided to start my maternity leave a week early (and if he comes this week before my induction date, I WONT have to worry about being at work!)

As I picked up the phone to call HR at work my anxiety floored. They have me under CA which doesn't allow me to miss work...SOOO will they tell me I can't take my maternity leave early? Can they do that? They shouldn't be able to! Right???  This was the main back and forth in my mind. As I took a deep breath I just decided to try, I called and left a message and then waited an hour and a half before getting a call back and was then given another number corporately to call  to discuss starting my maternity leave early.........

WELL, BOY was I surprised with the information that was then provided to me!!! 

Below is the conversation that then ensued. 

"Hi my name is Sue ( I can't remember what it really was but lets just use that name.) I hear you are wanting to start your maternity leave early prior to delivering." "Yes, I said, I will be induced next week and believe it in my best interest to start it early." "Ok, Sue says, so when is your due date"? I paused and without thinking it was a big deal I said "Oh, (insert nervous laughter) it was yesterday." (Pause on the line) "OH! OK" Sue exclaimed "Wow, I see, so when was your last full day at work?" "Oh it was Thursday" I said. (insert another pause) "Well ok, well this situation is a little different" Sue spoke, she continued, "You do not have to actually have this week before your induction date as maternity leave because you are actually eligible for time off with 70% pay for, at least, two weeks PRIOR to your due date; seeing as you are now past your due date (insert nervous laughter on her part) you are definitely more than eligible to take this week as short term." She continued. "We offer this to our employees because we really do not want our employees to have there babys at our businesses!"

(On my part:...Insert, mouth falling open, choice words filling my mind, lets through in a blank stare and clearing of the throat, OH YEAH and add another nervous laugh....) "Wow, I say in response, OK, this would have been some great information to have been given a while ago, umm yeah, lets start that short term this week!"

Soooo here I am, have been, working my...."butt" off  and not one person could have told me this was available to me :-O...MAYBE my son would not be late if I could have had the time off before my due date...who knows....

I know my anxiety has not helped him with not coming. I am extremely annoyed..... however..... VERY happy that I do not have to take from my maternity leave for this week (I actually found out I can take more time after six weeks called "bonding time" with my baby, it would not be paid but it is something I am able to take if needed.)

So that was my yesterday!

 :-D So, now I await Rylan Paul Browns grand appearance with anticipation; as the bitter taste of work induced anxiety fades... 

I'm smiling, over due and all.

Eviction notice.

I had no change at my last appointment, still was at 1cm and 70% effaced. It made me upset to be honest because of all the pain I had been in that week, I could have sworn it was going to be more and I was hoping they'd want to send me right to the hospital then! But no.....INSTEAD they scheduled an induction day for one week and two days past my due date. AGAIN, NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR! I am seriously drained from working up into my final days of pregnancy and am emotionally worn out also, I do not know how I've gone this long... My anxiety....YEAH....It's off the charts.

With five more days till my due date I can only hope that Rylan will decide he's ready (lets pray its after I leave work or on the weekend.) I really don't want to have to wait two more weeks to hold my son. However in the same instance, if he does wait that long and I have to be induced.... ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS EXACTLY, UNTIL I HOLD MY SON! :-D

If not before Rylan Paul will be born on September 14th, 2011 (honestly I always had the number 14 in my head however I thought it was going to be August 14th!!! Boy was I wrong!) Rylan still has time to prove me right with my theory that he's going to be early....I didn't think it would come down to "days early" (I thought more like weeks) but hey I'm not going to get picky now :-D

A ticking time bomb...AT LEAST, that's what I feel like!

Wow, it has been awhile since I wrote. I have been busy with appointments and work and honestly thought my little man would have shown up by now....but we are still waiting....

I have been off pelvic rest for almost two weeks now even though my placenta at last sonogram moved back from marginal placenta previa to low lining again, still close to my cervix but not as bad as before. Since I am considered full term that's why they are allowing pelvic rest to be lifted and now it's just a waiting game. They will allow me to go natural. The only reason I would have to have a C-section would be if I start to bleed too much during labor.

These past two weeks have been anxiety ridden! I can not express how tired, worn out, stressed, and FULL OF ANXIETY I am each day I have to walk into work and work 10hrs. And then do that for the entire week... I am terrified my water is going to break at work.... It causes me so much pain being on my feet and doing heavy lifting that some nights I feel like Rylan is just going to fall out as I slowly walk out of the door breathing through braxton hick contractions and the painful sharp pains that come along with your cervix lightening. I have come to realize that I am strong....That what I thought I was incapable of doing, I do and exceed expectations while doing. God has taught me how strong I am and I remember he doesn't give me anything I can't handle. SOOO....If that's being humiliated if my water is to break at work, then so be it... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....which brings me to the scary labor pains...YEAH (taking deep breath) I can do that too...yes, yes I can...(these words are on repeat daily in my mind)

As we come closer and closer to my due date (now ten days away!) I have noticed little personality traits of Rylans. Well at least I think they are. Here are some of the things that I have come to think Rylan will be like just from spending these nine and a half months with him in my womb.

1. He is going to be jumpy like daddy (Every time I hit a box on the hard table at work and it makes a loud noise, Rylan jumps! You would think he would be used to those noises by now!)
2. He is stubborn... (hmmmmmmmmm who does he get that from........ :-D)
3. He likes his space (Again.....I have NO idea who he gets that from! ok, maybe I am the same way...just maybe :-D He doesn't like anything laying on my belly and always kicks and squirms to get it off.)
4. He may be a picky eater but he is going to take after his daddy in this area (which is a good thing.) I believe fresh foods is going to be his thing. He will occasionally like the fried foods and sweets but it wont be his first choice, I think he will choose fruit over fries :-D
5. He is going to be laid back like daddy and I but all of a sudden get super hyper like his daddy does at times. And then he will crash and sleep after hours of going crazy :-D
6. He is going to just take his time in every area, when he chooses it's his time to make a decision or he needs to start something (even if people think it should have been sooner) he will make his choices when it's good for him and he's ready (AGAIN, no idea where he gets that from! OK....I do :-D)
7. He is going to be a night owl like mommy and daddy. Not so good when we want to sleep after working ten hours but hopefully we can get him on a schedule if my prediction is right, that he will be most awake at 3am.
8. He is going to LOVE his daddy! He always starts to move a lot once Kevin starts telling a long story, he LOVES hearing daddys voice.
9. He will be easily distracted.
10. My voice will calm him and put him to sleep. (The last two go together as one night Rylan was going CRAZY in my belly! So much so I was in pain and terrified my water was just going to burst right there at work. But then I started talking to the girl I was working with and for the entire night as we worked we talked back and forth and I talked more in that night than I had all week lol. He instantly became calm and remained like that the rest of the night....

It will be amazing to hold Rylan and watch his personality traits come into play. I can't wait to see who he looks like! I want to snuggle with him and give him a million kisses! I want to apologize for all the hard work I had to put us through while I carried him, I know he hates Target too :-D However if I do go into labor and have him at work (running joke at work lol) then we (Rylan, I, and my co-workers) believe Rylan should then be branded the "Target baby" and we should collect royalties and even if it doesn't make sense to the add....he HAS to be shown in every commercial!  Because they are forcing me into a box that is extremely draining me daily just to be there so I don't lose my job....It's the least they can do, right? :-D Yeah. I think YES!

Quiet...for now!

It has been so quiet in our house... barely any mess.... and so peaceful... All because two little kittens are no longer residing with us :(

We had to get rid of our kittens as they were WAY too much to handle. Due to our work schedule and how crazy busy we have been this summer we just were not home enough and they got into EVERYTHING! Once wires were chewed and we came home to no internet after them using our bedroom as there litterbox and out kitchen table and a bag of clothes as there toys, it was time to say goodbye... I miss them....however I miss my Pippa even more.... Honestly, I miss her terribly... I so wish I could hold her again. She was the best cat ever, I know I will never be able to find a cat as loving as her. I really wish Rylan would make his appearance so that I can focus on him and cuddle with him...

I honestly thought he would have arrived by now, however he is still chilling out waiting for his special day. As of right now my back is hurting like you wouldn't believe, I feel I can't get any relief from the pain and the feeling of just being uncomfortable is getting annoying! With an empty bottle of Tylenol all I can do is hope that my back stops hurting and I can get some rest tonight. However I really feel as though that isn't going to happen. I may have to send daddy out to get some Tylenol, we will see...

August 8th Baby Appointment

As we sat in the doctors office my anxiety rose... I wasn't sure if they were doing another exam or not, I thought they had to, to see if I had dilated anymore however apparently they do not check you each time. This was something I was very glad for once I found out I had the same doctor that had been so rough the last time.

Our appointment went well and Rylans heartbeat was very strong! It was the loudest I have heard it yet :-D I have lost two pounds since last week which they didn't say anything about and the back pain and braxton hicks that I have been having very frequently they noted in my chart.

Yesterday, though I was tired, I had the most energy and wanting to just go go go! I just wanted to shop, go on vacation, relax, and enjoy the last couple weeks of pregnancy (and/or days) depending on Ryrys timing....

However today....I am tired! Ready for a week off and relaxation with my amazing hubby and little man, I can't wait to hold Rylan and just stare at him.... I know I will forever be amazed at Gods gift to us. I can't wait to hear Rylan laugh, say "Mommy" and run with open arms yelling "Daddy" when he sees Kevin.

Everyday I think is today the day????.....It is the waiting game now.... :-D

One year and a hundred to go...

Last year today I married my best friend. I am amazed at how quickly this year has gone by and how much closer we have become as not only friends but as husband and wife. While facing the most difficult times of our lives and the most amazing; I have found even more security in knowing we are meant for each other and our strength together through God, abounds. I am so blessed to have the most amazing man by my side. Happy One Year Wedding Anniversary Baby!!!

 I am so grateful to now be awaiting the birth of our son. God has truly blessed me....

On our honeymoon in Niagara Falls!