Exhausted...

I so badly want to just have my Great Grandma here to tell her I'm pregnant and to ask her how she made it through all three of her pregnancies with morning sickness all day, every day. :-*( I just want to sit with her and talk and hold her hand like we always did.....

I feel awful today :-( I just can't keep much down, usually only one small meal a day. 

Doctors treat you like your stupid asking you well have you done that, and done this, and really??? the medicine didn't do anything?? SIGH, I could punch them all. I'm now waiting to hear back from the doctor and I assume get the third prescription for morning sickness... We'll see what happens.

I'm having really bad migraines now, I assume from being sick and just being exhausted. The only thing that is giving me hope, security, and calming my fragile nerves is, I feel baby moving around :-)

That above everything, makes me have peace even among the tears of exhaustion, stress, and worry.

Baby bump and baby flutters

Baby Brownie is getting bigger by the minute! My What to Expect when you're Expecting app. on my phone says baby is 5 inches long and weighs 5oz. and says that baby is the size of a Turnip!!!

Baby must be swimming around like crazy because this week I have felt more flutters than before. I even felt what I thought could have been a kick yesterday! Now I wont say it definitely was, but it sure felt more like a kick than a flutter :-D

I finally took a baby bump picture :-D Here I am at 16 weeks, 3 days! 

My head hurts, feet, back, legs....I'm tired.

Work is difficult. It is really draining me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am praying God allows circumstances to soon arise that will allow me to be more comfortable, however in waiting I feel helpless. I am still very tired and suffering from all day sickness. It makes it worse when you have to work 10 hours on your feet, lifting heavy boxes, and trying to get your production up when you're running to the bathroom and getting sick all night. I just want to be home.... comfortable and safe. I worry all the heavy lifting is going to hurt the baby. With how I feel I hope the baby feels better.

I am looking forward to April 18th!!!! I just can't wait to find out what we are having!!!! At first I was thinking boy but then I recently thought girl. However, now as the time gets closer in finding out, in really wanting it to be a girl, I think, "Oh it will probably be a boy". :-D No matter what, I just can't wait!!!!

Kevin and I have decided to not do the blood testing as it is only causing more stress and anxiety and it is something not needed. The doctor that shoved that paper work in my face can just go.... fly a kite :-D. I realized that my next baby appointment that is on April 11th is with the same doctor as last time. I am really really debating on rescheduling it.

Over all, I feel pregnant :-D My baby bump is not crazy noticeable but its getting there. Possibly will post pictures this weekend.

Please continue to pray for my health and the baby's health. Thanks!

After the storm, the Sun shines...

My heart has been torn every way in the last couple days. My cousins wife, who I have so closely related to during my pregnancy (sharing our experiences in our first pregnancy's and planning shopping trips for baby clothes and maternity clothes).... Lost her baby last Thursday. In my own personal grief and guilt in the past days my thoughts just swirl; "Why do I still have my baby?" and "Is something wrong because I still am having severe morning sickness and continue to lose weight"? I continue to pray feverishly and remain calm in thinking that everything's ok. I have to just breathe and remember that I need to try my best to remain strong and healthy for our little one. We have always wanted to buy I Heart Doppler and now more than ever that is our plan. ....I just want to hear my baby's heartbeat...

I have come to terms in thinking that God will again bless them and I will be adoringly by their side (whether they like it or not :-D *I love you Kristin*) for every step of their journey. All the stages of grief are like a weight. I know she feels guilt, anger, sadness, and at times peace...sometimes all at once, sometimes separate.  I feel I too went through the same stages; I just feel so closely related and my heart feels strongly connected to hers. My baby will always be the age that their first child would be and though that will be a difficult reminder I know how strong Kristin is and how much more her strength will be empowered by Gods strength and love. I pray daily that God soothes their souls and reminds them that though she only held her child in her womb for months, they will forever be parents.

I wrote a poem for her in hopes of bringing a small source of comfort.  

For all who have experienced miscarriages, this is also for you....

                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~

A dark cloud surrounds the soul, finding its way to the hearts beat.

It caresses the deepest part of the broken pieces and blinks in confusion at tragedies descent.

With two heartbeats, one has left, for the reason that God’s arms have reached beyond the gates and asked your child to, “Please come home.”

Like rain pouring down from the heavens your tears quake, your heart feels heavy, and through your pain you barely hear the soft words of your Saviors voice.

“Dear Mother, your baby is safe in my arms. I will wipe away their tears. Its smile I will brighten. Its love I will shower down like the rain. When the sun shines, that is the warmth of their embrace. Please know, you will always be my baby, and your baby will be yours. However I needed your child in their earliest days, because their job on earth was done.”

With a tear stained pillow you lift your head and cry from within, “But Jesus I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready to let go so quickly. I have so many questions and so much pain.”

With a sigh like thunder, Jesus responds, he takes you in His arms and whispers.

“Dear Child, you are safe in my arms. I will wipe away your tears. Your smile I will brighten. I will shower you with my love like the rain. When the sun is shining that is the warmth of my embrace. Please know, you will always be my baby and I your Father. However I need you to continue your work on earth, for your job is not yet done.”

With a shallow breath and heavy heart you lift yourself off your bed. You sit in silence waiting to hear just anything to comfort your broken being. As you breathe you feel life; as you touch your abdomen you feel pain.

Nevertheless, as your eyes open you force your soul to break away from the darkness, for the reason that, you are strong.  With swollen eyes and only fragments left you look toward heaven and speak:

“Dear Baby, you were safe in my arms. I would have wiped away your tears. Your smile I would have brightened. My love would have showered down on you like the rain. The warmth of the sun would have felt like my embrace. Please know, you will always be my baby and I your Mother.  However Jesus needed you now, more than I and your Father.”

With a broken heart and delicate soul you place your hand on your swollen abdomen. With a deep breath you lift up your hands and let your grief soar. With open palms and an open soul you let go of the darkness and let in the light. You breathe, “Dear Lord, here, our baby was yours from the start.”

As your body trembles and your heart breaks once again. You hear the faint voice of your Savior saying:

“Dear Baby,

 Daughter.

Mother.

Thank you.

I love you.”

In knowing the creator is helping you pick up the pieces; You stand.

Equipped.

As the silence engulfs you and peace rains down, God takes your hand and you remember;

With Him…

 Your strength combined,

Remedies pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Appointment #4: Strictly Business

As I waited for the doctor to come in I can honestly say I was nervous (now I know why). 

I have lost ten pounds since getting pregnant and because I am in my second trimester and am supposed to be gaining at least a pound per week I thought the doctor might mention that and try and give me advice as to what to eat that I may be able to keep down. I suppose, though she never actually came out and said it, I believe my weight loss is the reason the doctor I had yesterday was so rude when she asked if there were any problems. All I said was "Well I am still experiencing morning sickness" (aka all day sickness.) She abruptly looked at me and said "Well, were you not on anything for it?" I said I had been but it hadn't been working that well and made me super tired, I then said last week was the first time I was able to not get sick for four days but then it all came back on the weekend. Rolling her eyes (ok, maybe not, but it sure felt like it) she clicked on her computer and said "Target right?" I had no idea what she was talking about, I just assumed she was asking about my workplace. I just said "yes". Thank God I work at Target and get my prescriptions filled there because I know she would have had something smart to say if I had to correct her and be like "Oh no I get my prescriptions from Walmart." Because she then said, "Well, I just prescribed another prescription, it shouldn't make you AS tired". The way she said this and the way I had been treated within the first minute of meeting this ummm "sweet doctor" I felt I needed to explain myself and briefly stated that I work in a warehouse and can not go there being exhausted, it's not safe with the physicality I endure......Well she ignored me...... (No surprise there.)

I was not going to take my medicine until I could take it today not knowing how I would react to it, because I have off work, however after only taking two bites of lunch and a sip of drink yesterday, I immediately knew it was not going to stay down. My hubby said "You have to take your medicine." So I did. However I really regret doing that! Though it is "suppose" to be making me not as tired as the previous medicine, I have NO IDEA how I am going to still be able to take it and go to work. I felt like a zombie yesterday, I couldn't see straight and the side effects which are "drowsiness and dizziness" were in super crazy affect! (Yeah that's great to have those side effects when I'm walking back and forth constantly all night and lifting thirty pounds every couple minuets for ten hours). Adding to my stress of the day, I got sick before going to work and then at work, however I had to ignore it and keep working, my routine as of late.

Who knows what will happen... I know plenty of ladies that have friends who lost weight their entire pregnancy and they still had healthy baby's. So, I am very hopeful and know God knows what He is doing and this is just how my body is reacting to the hormones of pregnancy. Last night, I had a co-worker ask me if I was loosing weight (what an odd feeling it is to be asked that question when you are almost four months pregnant!), I begrudgingly said I was and she said "I can tell! Oh hun you're fine, that baby is still eating!" And then followed that with rubbing my little bump, that I can still kinda hide LOL.

I have a lot of appointments scheduled for the next couple weeks, its all going so fast! I cant believe I am four weeks away from being half way through my pregnancy and from finding out if we are having a boy or girl!

Our first appointment is in two weeks, it is an elective blood test that will show any signs of possible down syndrome. If the blood test comes out with a high level reading (which is still not saying 100% that there would be any chances of syndrome, just assessing a possibility) they will then want to do an Amniocentesis, which when my husband asked the doctor for more information on, we got attitude in her explanation of how they put a needle through the stomach of the mother and into the baby's fluid and draw some fluid from around the baby and then test that. Once I asked if we really have to do that, asking "Isn't there a risk for miscarriage?" she responded very curtly, saying "WELL if the levels show HIGH on the blood test....It is the ONLY way you will ever be able to know If there is ANYTHING wrong, Its the ONLY way to know if there is a PROBLEM!" (The capitalization is showing her emphasis on the words she practically screamed, all saying this with a malice smile, condescending look and tone.) She went on to say there is only a one in three hundred chance of miscarriage. I don't know if my expression was a window to my screaming thoughts that said.... (HELLO! WE WOULD FIND OUT IF SOMETHING WAS WRONG ONCE I DELIVER. FINDING OUT BEFORE THROUGH AN INVASIVE WAY DOES NOT MEAN IF IT IS A POSITIVE RESULT FOR ANY DISABILITIES WE ARE NOT GOING TO KEEP OUR BABY! LET ALONE ALLOW A PROCEDURE TO GIVE ME A PERCENTAGE OF EVEN ONE IN A BILLION, THAT MY BABY COULD DIE JUST TO FIND OUT!!!! IF GOD WANTS US TO HAVE A CHILD WITH DISABILITIES, THAT IS NOT OUR FOCUS, WE ARE FULLY GRATEFUL NO MATTER WHAT! WE HAVE OUR CHILD AND WE WILL NOT LOVE HIM OR HER ANY LESS BECAUSE OF ANY "PROBLEMS"!!!!) ...Because she then said "The statistics though, are lower than that, it's just what they make us say." (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!) I seriously almost laughed out loud! I was disgusted.

She then "let us" hear baby's heartbeat (how kind), pushing very hard on my stomach that I actually had pain for at least 15mins afterwards. We heard a heartbeat, however we were not sure if it was the baby's heartbeat or mine because last time what Kevin and I thought was the baby's heartbeat was mine. She held the machine  there for less than a minute and said "Well there you go," I said "Oh, thats the baby?" She looked at me like I was stupid and said "Yes" and then walked away. If I had not asked what the bpm was, I would have not known.

Last time baby's heartbeat was beating at 160bpm and yesterday it was at 150bpm. I made a joke saying I needed to buy one of the heartbeat monitors so I can hear the heartbeat everyday; I didn't even get a laugh as she grabbed her things, muttered with that fake smile "Do you have any questions?." (OH how I would have LOVED to punch her in the face, I.... refrained) responding "No". And to our appease she told us to take our paper work to the front and walked out without a goodbye.

I wanted to run out of the building and scream! "Worst experience ever!" With having only five hours of sleep the night before, having to deal with her, then having to start taking pills that don't work and make me feel worse, and then still having to go work a ten hour shift! Yeah :( Yesterday wasn't one of my top ten days.

I'm trying to think back and only remember the moment we got to hear our baby's heartbeat. 

That is what makes me smile.

Next baby appointment: April 11th @ 11am

Finding out what we are having: April 18th @ 1pm

Hello Love

Dear Baby,

I would like to thank you for letting mommy not get sick for four days. Though two days out of the four I was very nauseous; thank you for waiting for the weekend so I could just lay around when nothing would stay down.

I love you so much!!!! Even though I feel sick, pretty much all the time I know I can handle it and pray that God is taking care of you!

Mommy has her next appointment tomorrow and I am praying it all goes well and the doctors don't yell at mommy for the weight loss since my last appointment. However it goes, all I care about is I get to hear your heartbeat :-D I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

~I love you to the moon and back~

Mommy



When nothing stays down and nausea is all I feel, these are my saving grace!

Did I just itch my husbands leg? WHAT? NO!!! That SO can't be MY leg....

Today marks 7 months since marrying my prince charming. Week 14 of my pregnancy, 5-6 weeks until finding out if we're having, a boy or girl, and 26 weeks until we meet our little one!!! 

Another amazing observation of today is (drum roll please!!!....) I have NOT gotten rid of any grocery money today! WOW I know I'm super excited!!!! I'm sure you are too!

However, I will admit in my admission of such joy, I hope I am not jinxing myself and that enemy nausea and my conversations with my toilet do not re-appear tomorrow with the sun (cross your fingers, toes, legs, arms, leg hair) oh sorry, maybe not your leg hair. That was directed to my overtly hairy leg syndrome since my womb has been taken over. Yeah, I have to admit, after buying two different razors, blaming them on their laziness and planning my next grocery store visit, (yes I will be the pregnant woman sitting in the razor isle and demanding to all employees, strangers, and my overly supportive husband that I need a five star razor because its not ME its THEM!) I have come to believe, plastic only glides across my skin (because hello there CAN'T be any blades.)  With no blades all my razor is doing is trying to improve my confidence in the leg hair department and just letting me "think" I am doing such a great job at shaving, that my legs will be like velvet and my husband will gloat to his co-workers, saying "Wow my wife's legs are super smooth!"

(sigh) I regress and understand that really my razor is only applauding my otherwise feeble attempt at, well, TRYING, and laughing when I am the one with tears in my eyes apologizing to my husband that, once again that forest on my once amazing legs, will not go away (I tried).

...However, not too fast razor! I can still reach my legs and even though after only hours, a lawn has once again appeared on my suppose to be velvet legs, I will keep trying! And once I can't, my husband, razor in hand, WILL.

HAHA I will win this battle!!!

Ok. I feel better. Also on a side note, NO. I did not feel my legs before this post. No. Nope. Stop thinking I did. Because.....hmmm. Ok. Maybe....Maybe I did.

Oh Baby, are you sure you're hungry???

On Feb 28th 2011 I entered my second trimester. Books gallore and all the stories from all the moms I know try to comfort me in the fact that my "all day sickness" will end and I will regain energy in this trimester. Well books on my night stand and all my mom friends, I have two questions, "HELLO, where's my energy and why am I still flushing all my grocery money down the toilet???". Ok, ok, I know I am only two days into my second trimester and maybe, just maybe, I am overreacting. However, why say everything is going to get better in the second trimester and then pop my balloon when on the first day of said best trimester ever; I am still discussing the news with my toilet because I know it better than my husband these days. 

All I can say is, dear baby, I really don't know why you get hungry because you honestly DO NOT like anything at all, but (just breathe) it's OK I wont put you on time out or make you eat only vegetables. I will try my best to give you all you need, trust that God has everything under control, and whatever you don't like my best friend T (yeah we are on a nickname basis now) will be there to a, well, pick up the pieces :-D (my apologies readers, for the now horrid image that just appeared in your thoughts)

Through it all, I know I will at least get something from all this good morning sun, hello bathroom; good night toilet hello moon dance. I will be a great competitor for a small marathon, well at least the distance between every room in our house to the bathroom, if there was a race, HA, I would be an all star! 

My bedside reading, plus FAVORITE lotion since being pregnant, LOVE THIS SCENT :-D

 Daddy's book, which he read in only a couple hours. He's already giving mommy facts!

TODAY IS DADDY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!! HE TURNED 23 :-D

~HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY~

Since mommy and daddy don't know if you're a boy or girl mommy decided to paint her toes both colors until we find out if we should buy blue or pink baby things! 7 weeks until we find out!!!

Sorry for the over load of information baby :-D However this week has been a busy one, we finally picked out the color for your nursery!!!