I wish I may, I wish I might; Have the wish I wish tonight

As last minute presents are being wrapped; Michael Buble sings in the background. The wonderful Christmas music soothes a tired Mommy from a long day at work however as much as I try to allow it, the music can not stop the nagging to do list that is plaguing my mind. The only relent that I have from my to do list is the only memory I wish would take a break. One that has weighed heavy on my heart all week...


My Pippa.


She is no longer here... I can't buy her her usual Christmas presents (2 cans of wet food and a cat nip toy). I can't wrap it for her; just to open it again. I cant fall asleep with her just to awake every hour unable to hide my child like glee in knowing Christmas is here. I can't wish her a Merry Christmas or smile wide when she recognizes her presents. Running over to me and pawing at my leg once the click of the can awakens her want for her special treat. But mostly....


I can't hold her, I can't watch her and Rylan interact, I can't kiss her. I can't tell her I love her....


My heart aches and I know that a part of it will never be complete again. Because she was my baby, my first baby...Those who do not have pets will not understand this, however as Christmas nears if I could have only one wish, it would be for my first baby, to meet my baby baby....

All I want for Christmas, is just one more Christmas...with you. 

                                            I love you My Pippa, Merry Christmas 

Christmas time is almost here!!!

Rylans first Christmas will definitely be a fun day! However, I have to be honest and say, I CAN'T wait until next year and the year after that!!! Once he can actually react and tear into the presents, leaving a trail of wrapping and tissue paper through the house, will be so much fun! I can't wait for that!


This year we didn't go crazy getting a bunch of things since he is still so young but ryry will open at least seven or more presents this year :-D I wrapped most of them in tissue paper because it will be easier for Daddy to help Rylan open his presents. It's been a little difficult trying to buy things for Rylan so Daddy doesn't see (I need some kind of reaction!) 


I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner and in a couple weeks we will hit the year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant. It has truly all gone by SO quickly. I can't wait for more holidays and for Rylan to experience the warmth of Summer.


We are so blessed and can't believe we have our family already. This year, by far, is my happiest Christmas and most anticipated 2012 welcoming! As we get the opportunity to watch Rylan learn new things everyday my heart warms! 

Postpartum Wig

Lets get real and be completely honest here:


Postpartum hair-loss.... NOT FUN. That's pretty much all I can say about it. Not all woman are effected however the tons and tons of tresses that fall out of my head and come out in the shower and in my brush show that I am one of the lucky ones plagued by such an annoying hair thinning experience. It's one of the not so pretty effects of post-pregnancy. Because you're hair doesn't shed as it usually does during pregnancy your lovely hormones stop that process,which is why a lot of the time your hair becomes really full and pretty during pregnancy. After delivery (starting at around three months) once your body realizes your not pregnant anymore you start to shed, fun times. A normal woman sheds 100 pieces of hair a day. If you're not doing that for ten months you can understand my annoyance as of now. I have a lot of hair that needs to free itself 10x100 on top of the normal 100 pieces normally. OH JOY. For this reason and also the lack of time you have after having your baby a lot of moms cut their once long hair, short. After delivery, I lasted only a couple days with my always long hair and cut it off. Gradually it has gotten shorter and now rest above my boobs. Which for me is SHORT. However, I am wanting to go shorter....might happen.


SO back to lovely hair-loss and other pregnancy marks of a mommy. I really wanted the stretch marks and morning sickness the entire pregnancy to be enough. As well as the not so easy delivery... SO once this whole postpartum hair-loss started all I wanted to do is scream, STOP! However it can last up to a year. LOVELY! Along with my not so frequent not crazy moments (thanks hormones) or my ever so not so on schedule periods. (Never thought I would want it to show up...) YES please, period. Please show up soon!


Some woman do not get their periods after delivery for a year or only have a couple and then they stop and have to be put on medicine to get their body to regulate itself because some woman's bodies do not regulate naturally. I have had two periods since Rylan was born and am now...playing the waiting game. And no, I do not want to take a test that gives you a negative and positive result, (protection is used, thank you) Yeah ignorance is bliss.... Right? :-)


So with Christmas approaching my hair losing, hormonal ragging, crazy mood swinging, tired, overwhelmed, happy, then sad, body will try it's best to get through the season without tripping over strands of hair and in the process not pulling out the eight hairs I have left.

It's Like: Mommyhood

"So, how is it being a mommy"? That's the initial question I hear most of the time these days....I smile and say "It's good, I'm sleep deprived, but it's worth it"... That seems to suffice the interviewer and they laugh, agree, and walk away. 


I'm glad. I'm glad that suffices their trying to make conversation because they haven't seen me for awhile curiosity. Because honestly...."How is it being a mommy"?

Well,

It's a lot of:  Will I ever sleep, eww you stink, you need a shower (No, not daddy or baby) but you. As in me. As in when was the last time I took a shower? As in, wow has a month really gone by that fast? (but not without a shower, lets clear that up...) As in getting up too fast and becoming dizzy. Then blinking too many times for clarity.


As in can you get me some coffee and then some more....go ahead fill my cup over. It's like I need help and thank you daddy for getting up when mommy can't open her eyes. It's like why is he crying? Have you gone through the check list? Diaper dirty? Feeding time? Just cranky? Gas? Tired? Lonely? Want's to cuddle? Just wants to play? Needs a bath because baby is on mommys schedule and mommy forgets and baby stinks and then he smiles once bath time is complete. Then you remember. Oh yeah it has been two days....(which only happened once, or twice. Don't judge, sleep walking living is tough you know.)


It's a lot of honesty, mixed with tears and joy and sometimes sadness. It's epic it's amazing it's like standing in line at Hershey Park at the fastest highest ride available and almost peeing your pants because you are so scared you literally wish you had chosen the back car to ride in, instead of the front. It's like wanting to turn around but the lines to long. It's like the lump in your throat and wishing you hadn't had breakfast before getting in line. It's like holding your husbands hand and relying on all your friends and just jumping for the heck of it and getting on the ride. It's as if you are getting in the first seat and acting like you are boss because (yeah, I've never done this before but look at me I choose the riskiest seat of all) It's like waiting for smiles and laughs and words. It's like sitting on your flip-flops and worrying they are going to fly out from under you while the rides in motion. It's like the click click click of the ride. It's like the cry that breaks the 5a.m. silence when you have only slept an hour and you just worked ten and have to do it all over again tomorrow. It's like taking the plunge and screaming, screaming, screaming, because that's all you can do. But then realizing, "Hey, I can let go". So your hands go up and you laugh. You laugh because you're not afraid anymore. You smile because your strong enough. You scream to intensify the purity of taking a risk and well... not failing. It's like jumping off, out of breath, then looking at your rock and yelling "Lets do it again!"  


It's like flashing lights while driving and passing go without collecting and falling over your feet; over and over and over again. It's like poetry in motion and spit up and poop and pee and busy days where sleep rules and  cleaning and laundry sits in the corner gossiping how you've really let yourself go. It's like realizing all you want to do (need to do) is hold your blessing. So you do. You hold them and cry, laugh, cry some more, laugh till you cry, look in the mirror; frown, then smile because theirs a blessing in your arms that used to be there...in your womb; with you twenty four seven but now...realizing that's no longer reality. It's like waking up and the world slapping you in the face. It's like waking up and slapping it back and screaming at the top of your lungs "I will win this fight"! It's like being rewarded the biggest trophy and being one too.


It's an out of breath, coffee fueled, adrenaline driving, crazed lapse of time, learning to climb, taking the risk, believing you'll be fine, leaning on the strength who's controlling everything from the sky, It's like: understanding He wont let you go....It's an upside down, hysterically mad roller coaster ride. 


It's amazing. It's my life. (and maybe yours) It's fun. It's difficult. It's new. It's my miracle. It's my roller coaster....It's my Mommyhood. It's my Joy.


                                                                ...........................

"So, how is it being a mommy"? I smile "It's good, I'm sleep deprived, but it's worth it".