Valentines Day Present

As we sat and talked to the nurse about our families medical history and she asked questions in relation to birthing classes and different options we had, all we could do was smile.

Valentines Day 2011 was one of the best days, Kevin and I received one of the greatest gifts! We got to hear our babys heartbeat for the first time!!!! :-D It was amazing and I wish I could hear it every day. The doctor said it was very strong and about 160bpm.

We do not have another appointment until I am 15 weeks! It feels like a long time but it will be here before we know it. I am almost 12 weeks and already feel pregnant :-D By the time we have our next appointment I know it will be a lot harder to hide my growing baby bump and the reality of "feeling" pregnant will be much more real.

We are very excited for this time and can't wait to find out what we are having (SO WE CAN GO SHOPPING!!!!!)

Please continue to pray for us as we take these steps towards being parents.

5 A.M. truth serum

I stare at the clock and see that it's 5:00 A.M. The time mocks me because I can't sleep....
So, I write.....

Daily, questions surface like a weighted cloud "Can I do this?"  "Will something bad happen?" "Will it all end only three months after starting?" The next appointment. "Will they not find a baby?" The haunting aura that surrounds the knowing of those two words, "I'm pregnant" lurks behind every closed door and under every rock. When I am unable to grasp any reason, in my desperation two words accompany the others, "I'm scared". The weighted cloud seems to sink its teeth into any reason left lying there and drag it relentlessly with every headache and run to the bathroom.

I think we all enter this vast unknowing, populated by stories we read and possibly the fear that what we see others experience will stop spinning in their direction and it will be our turn to cry and ask "why?" 

The past six months since my husband and I have said "I do" have been the most trying times of our lives. They have been the most tear ridden, pain inducing, heart breaking, tragic moments, and I hope to God we never have to face anything like it or worse ever again. In the darkness we find ourselves at times talking about things that have happened. Sensing danger and knowing the bringer of fear is only trying to induce us into a coma like trance just to take away any happiness that we are gripping onto. We find ourselves talking about topics and praying for safety when those topics dip into hellish territory....

Though my fear at times grabs hold and tosses me back into the past, bringing forth fears for today to only choke me into despair and rid me of all smiles, I try my best to stand strong. We stand strong. Our reliance is with God as our strength and our heart is in His hands. Even though some people loose what they hold dear the most, we have a chance to smile and be ok with smiling. The covers no longer need to be pulled over our  eyes, the darkness has been replaced with light, Gods light, and it will not be taken. If we wanted to surrender to the questions of desperation, we wouldn't be here right now. With our heads held high we take a step, smile, and trust God to keep our baby safe; free of ailments and awaiting our embrace. In knowing that the darkness in this world no longer holds the key in unlocking our serenity, we are able to try our humanly best to rely on Gods will.

No matter what struggles we have to face, whether it be bringing a life into this world, finances, fear of the unknown, failing, succeeding, smiling....Let me reassure you, what we have learned the most, is that we have Jesus just waiting for us to call upon Him and say, "Hey I'm weak, help me" We may not feel His arms around us, we may feel tragedy strikes when we call upon His name, we may feel He doesn't deserve our attention. Whatever it is. We have all been there.

However, in the darkest moment when light can barely break through and our heart is so broken the pieces have scattered in their own fear of reality, dear lost soul in us all, remember, He created us.... He of all, can pick up the pieces.

Do not limit His love....Do not think He knows less than we....

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Love, Jesus

The Bathroom floor knows me best...

Since week six of my pregnancy I had morning sickness about once or twice a week up until my tenth week of pregnancy. This tenth week has been so difficult. I have not been able to keep much of anything down. And because of the physicality you have to maintain at my job, with me feeling exhausted and just wanting to sleep away these headaches and running to the bathroom every couple hours, I haven't been able to work. I am getting worried about having stability at my job and ask you to please pray for me as I try to go back after my next appointment on Monday. Because I am almost out of my first trimester I am hoping that baby will give me a break and allow me to start feeling normal again. I have lost five pounds in a week and I am praying that, that will not harm the baby. I know God has it all under control and right now, all I can do, is curl up in His arms and ask Him to make every area that feels as though it is holding on by a thin string, to suddenly become strong.

Dear Baby,
     Mommy loves you so much! I hope you're doing OK and are getting enough nutrients! With Jesus holding your hand I have to believe that you are safe and doing fine. I can't wait to see you again on the 14th! I love you... 

                                                                                                 Love, Mommy

Guess what today is baby?

Today, you are 10 weeks old!!! You are growing so fast :-D Today is also mommy and daddy's six month wedding anniversary. As well as our five year and one month anniversary since we started dating!!!!!!! :-D

We pray that this week your organs form properly as this is the week that all your organs will be finished developing and your heart beat remains strong! In 10 more weeks we will be able to find out if you are a little boy or little girl! WE CAN'T WAIT!!! I just want to go shopping already and buy you everything you need.

Baby, ever since daddy and I said "I do," the choice to start a family has always been our biggest goal! We are so happy to have you with us already. We love you so much and can't wait to meet you and take care of you!

We wont be able to see you again until mommys next appointment on Valentines day, however the pictures below, though they are not you, show what you look like right now!!! We love you little Brownie.

Love, Mommy and Daddy
                       

A Fetus in pregnancy week 10

Goodmorning Brownie!

As my alarm sounded and I forced my head off the pillow, I immediately hit the snooze button. I am someone who sets my alarm five minutes early just so I get to hit the snooze, I know, its a control issue...(I'll work on it someday.) I tried to shut my eyes and get just a little more shut eye before getting ready and going to church, however I couldn't help but only think of one thing..."I can't believe I am pregnant"! With this thought came a big smile to my lips and as I got up before my alarm sounded once more, I felt like I could do anything today! Today is a good day :-D

 ~I am nine weeks and six days today~

   Thirty weeks and one day to go!

If the calculations are correct, in exactly seven months...

WE WILL HOLD YOU LITTLE BABY!

I can't wait to see what you look like and count all your fingers and toes. I can't wait to kiss your angelic face and whisper "I love you" in your ear. I can't wait to see that first smile and to hear that first laugh. I long for the day I hear you yell "Mommy!" and the day you ask for Daddy. I can't wait to pick you up and bandage your wounds when you trip and fall up the stairs, just like your mommy! And when you whisper that first "I love you" with your little hand firmly gripping mine, that will be the day I can honestly say, all my dreams have come true.

As much as mommy wants a girl, I think God is letting daddy win this one. We strongly believe baby, that you are a little boy. Mommy had a dream the night after she found out you had taken over her womb, she dreamt you were a little boy! Mommy and your Mimi have done "wives tails" that also point to you being a little boy. But who knows little one :-D Mimi thought your aunt Olivia was a boy so maybe you will surprise us. :-D

For now though, I will go with my heart, and it's dreaming in blue. I see a little boy with big blue eyes, like your hot daddy and curly brown or red gorgeous hair like your mommy. As much as I want you to be my little pink bundle I believe you will be my little blue blanket carrying son. I'm OK with that, blues mommy and daddy's favorite color!

Baby, we know you can not hear us, so we told Jesus to tell you we love you... (He's not like the mailman so that message you should have gotten, the bad weather doesn't thwart Jesus; He can do it all with no excuses!)

So you know what little baby brownie? We pray that we as parents will make NO excuses when it comes to you! We pray that you will have a heart for Jesus and a mind of your own. We pray your health and happiness is in abundance and your mind is capable of dreaming up any amazing dreams! You can be anything, with Jesus by your side, and we hope that Jesus reminds us that we do not deserve your precious innocent love. We know that you are a gift from Jesus and we need to always thank Him and not forget that Mommy and Daddy may feel they have lost there heart to your precious little hands and cute button nose but Gods the one holding your heart and ours.

Dear baby, though mommy has her days of nausea and possible "sick" moments and she's so tired that the floor could be mistaken for the bed. I want you to know that I would not trade anyone for this experience, because mommy and daddy want you! We are so happy to say that you will be blessed with two parents who adore you and will do ANYTHING for you.

Through all the hardships daddy and I have faced in the short months since we have been married, we are so very grateful that you surprised us and gave us something to look forward to.

Our hope is in Jesus and our happiness is swimming with you.

~We love you...to the moon and back~

xoxo

Mommy and Daddy

Lima Bean Brownie

As soon as I saw them wheel in the sonogram machine, I bit my tongue and tried not to cry. I was not just seeing this in a movie, there right in front of me was my own sonogram machine! As I rationally pushed down my immediate thought, "just grab it and run" I refrained knowing they would definitely see me take it. My second thought surfaced and I agreed with its rational; I decided to just stare at it and bask in knowing its powers are great. However as I looked at this R2D2 like machine all of a sudden the room, the dinner napkin they gave me as a "blanket," my not so pretty toe nails (oops! Oh well she's not looking there) suddenly became Oh SO REAL and my heartbeat started beating faster!

When OUR baby finally appeared on that black and white computer screen my heartbeat slowed to a crawl and quickly melted along with my fears. I was very surprised I didn't cry, go figure the machine almost brought me to the floor, yet this little miracle, our little "Brownie" with its strong and rhythmic heartbeat, mesmerized me! I believe God just gave me a peace and all daddy and I could say was "Wow". Kevin pointed to a little blinking spot and asked "So, is that the heartbeat?" "Yes and a very strong one at that!" the doctor replied. Kevin and I smiled at each other while Doctor Carolynn watched the screen. As I laid there captivated by my little one calmly posing for her/his first pictures (notice the HER is first :-D, I can only hope!) The doctor mentioned "Ok, I'm just going to move the device a little just to make sure there's only one in there." As soon as those words left her lips I heard myself say "Oh Dear Lord!" The doctor started laughing and said "Oh Dear Jesus is right!" as she moved the device my eyes were like saucers just watching her waiting for her to speak, FINALLY she spoke "Looks like I only see one". As I gave a nervous/relieved laugh I immediately went right back into my trance and starred for what seemed like forever yet in the same token not nearly enough time to look at our baby. I watched that little strong heartbeat and perfect little body, just so happy that we could have this moment. As much as our brownie looked like a lima bean, the form of a baby was as clear as can be and one of the best moments of our life!


Febuary 2nd 2011, was our first step through the doors of that doctors office but will not be our last. There will be many many more to come in the next six months and three weeks. We pray that every visit is a happy one and every sonogram is a mesmerizing amazing fun memory. We need your prayers of safety, health, and overall protection! We thank you for caring so much for us, I guarantee we care about you the same :-D


As I come to a close I will say this last thing, though I am only 2 months and one week along in my pregnancy, I have said to my husband before that I really want to only be pregnant just this one time. Of course He is wanting a boy so then that gives me a reason to want to go through this experience once more; just to try and get my girl :-D However, as I walked out of those double doors and said my goodbyes to my doctor, the nurses, receptionist, and I'm surprised not to the entire waiting room; my husband carried those four sonogram pictures so close to his heart not wanting anything to ruin those first precious memories.

I remember telling him to put the pictures inside the pregnancy magazine that he had picked up at the receptionist desk, you'd think he's the one pregnant, so the rain would not get the chance to damage our wonderful pictures. We walked to our car both adorning the look of the Cheshire cat and all of a sudden I said "Wow, that wasn't so bad I worried for nothing! I can't stop looking at these pictures, maybe we could try for another one later down the road." Kevin looked at me kind of shocked, yet still adorning his Cheshire grin and said "Really? Fine with me!" As my brain caught up with my heart, that then caught up to the fact that my experience with my first doctors appointment went so amazingly well that I just referred to possibly having another little one in a couple years; the realization hit me and I knew who to blame! "Oh crap, I said, those people are way too nice!"

Due September 5th! "Labor Day"

A New Years Day Present ~With a side of Faith~

I had a feeling. A nagging feeling. God kept telling me to go get a pregnancy test two weeks before Christmas. I made jokes and had been thinking before that I could be pregnant but previous months when I thought I was, the tests were always negative, so I decided to just wait it out...

On the night of New Years Day Kevin and I decided to get a test just for peace of mind. OH how I was surprised when that plus sign appeared! I was in the bathroom for a what seemed like only minutes when my lovely husband knocked on the door and just ''had'' to come in. I told him "hold on" there was silence and then he spoke once more "Wait, what are you doing? Are you ok?" he asked. I was numb and all I can remember is starring at the plus sign, shaking, and starting to cry "ummm...yeah, umm don't come in" I said. Knowing Kevin, he didn't listen, he knew something was different in my voice. He quickly opened the door and NO ladies I did not have a cute little gift, or even a big smile; there was no present awaiting him or a "Your going to be a daddy T-shirt." No, I just handed him the pregnancy test and said "Well, I guess your going to be a daddy" And followed it was a bunch of more tears. I really was in complete shock. He immediately looked at the test, then back at me, then back at the test....Well, you get it, we played that game for what seemed like forever. He then points to the very faint plus sign and asks "Wait, what does that mean"? I then repeated my previous statement and he just grinned from ear to ear. He hugged me and tried his best to reassure me that it was all going to be OK.

Later that night I took the second test that had been in the same box as the first pregnancy test. Of course it was positive, however I was still thinking well maybe this cheap test is wrong and we will get a more expensive brand in the A.M. Yes you guessed it! The morning came, more cash was spent, and a positive sign much more vibrantly appeared in that little window, I touched my abdomen and just took a deep breath. Wow this was actually happening! I was a nervous wreck, crying and freaking out that there was no way we could handle this so soon into our marriage. (Oh me of little faith!)

Kevin was calm as always and just smiled as happy as could be! I so wanted to be that happy, but I am someone who worries, ALL THE TIME, and satan was really relying on that down fall of mine. We waited two weeks before telling our family and friends and as I told people I started to get more happy but I was still very unsure about being able to be parents financially only months after we'd been married.

As the weeks went by I think I found out daily that someone else around me was also pregnant. I have to say that encouraged me as I didn't feel alone anymore and felt "well, if they can do it we can to!" It wasn't easy but as the days and weeks have passed I have grown to realize that God really does everything for a reason and will not give you more than you can handle! He knows what He's doing! (Go figure, what a light bulb flickering moment.)

We are not sure the exact date of conception however we believe I am at least nine weeks. However, I am thinking I am farther along because I believe my "cycle" in November may have been "Implantation Bleeding". Since finding out I am pregnant I have experienced fatigue, nausea, headaches, at times trouble sleeping, and recently the occasional "sick" moment after eating. It usually is at the end of the day and baby says "Nope, didn't like anything today but I am now just deciding that!" (This is definitely my child :-D )

Through the good days and bad, I have found an abundance of happiness in knowing that we have been blessed so quickly in our marriage with our little "Brownie". We have our first doctors appointment tomorrow (2/2/11) and I believe that will help me settle down my fears in confirming that everything is going smoothly.

We ask for your prayers daily and want to thank you for supporting us! We love you and are very excited for you to share this journey with us!