I stare at the clock and see that it's 5:00 A.M. The time mocks me because I can't sleep....
So, I write.....
So, I write.....
Daily, questions surface like a weighted cloud "Can I do this?" "Will something bad happen?" "Will it all end only three months after starting?" The next appointment. "Will they not find a baby?" The haunting aura that surrounds the knowing of those two words, "I'm pregnant" lurks behind every closed door and under every rock. When I am unable to grasp any reason, in my desperation two words accompany the others, "I'm scared". The weighted cloud seems to sink its teeth into any reason left lying there and drag it relentlessly with every headache and run to the bathroom.
I think we all enter this vast unknowing, populated by stories we read and possibly the fear that what we see others experience will stop spinning in their direction and it will be our turn to cry and ask "why?"
The past six months since my husband and I have said "I do" have been the most trying times of our lives. They have been the most tear ridden, pain inducing, heart breaking, tragic moments, and I hope to God we never have to face anything like it or worse ever again. In the darkness we find ourselves at times talking about things that have happened. Sensing danger and knowing the bringer of fear is only trying to induce us into a coma like trance just to take away any happiness that we are gripping onto. We find ourselves talking about topics and praying for safety when those topics dip into hellish territory....
Though my fear at times grabs hold and tosses me back into the past, bringing forth fears for today to only choke me into despair and rid me of all smiles, I try my best to stand strong. We stand strong. Our reliance is with God as our strength and our heart is in His hands. Even though some people loose what they hold dear the most, we have a chance to smile and be ok with smiling. The covers no longer need to be pulled over our eyes, the darkness has been replaced with light, Gods light, and it will not be taken. If we wanted to surrender to the questions of desperation, we wouldn't be here right now. With our heads held high we take a step, smile, and trust God to keep our baby safe; free of ailments and awaiting our embrace. In knowing that the darkness in this world no longer holds the key in unlocking our serenity, we are able to try our humanly best to rely on Gods will.
No matter what struggles we have to face, whether it be bringing a life into this world, finances, fear of the unknown, failing, succeeding, smiling....Let me reassure you, what we have learned the most, is that we have Jesus just waiting for us to call upon Him and say, "Hey I'm weak, help me" We may not feel His arms around us, we may feel tragedy strikes when we call upon His name, we may feel He doesn't deserve our attention. Whatever it is. We have all been there.
However, in the darkest moment when light can barely break through and our heart is so broken the pieces have scattered in their own fear of reality, dear lost soul in us all, remember, He created us.... He of all, can pick up the pieces.
Do not limit His love....Do not think He knows less than we....
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Love, Jesus
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