Monday, May 30, 2011

More better days ahead... PLEASE!

Last week was such a difficult week for me! One filled with running around Chambersburg, Hustontown, and McConnellsburg trying to find a home for kittens (Anyone want any please let me know!!! I have four who need homes!), also crawling under a dishwasher at six and a half months pregnant trying to get one of the above mentioned kittens out from behind the dishwasher, getting locked out of my apartment for a half hour/ then saved by the neighbor coming home and having a key, then the above mentioned key getting stuck in my door, THEN arguing over situation with husband for a half hour (freaking out I should say in front of my sisters and mom, I APOLOGIZE!), still having not eaten that day we get an order ready for a restaurant and find them already closed, we then ordered food at 9pm and ate FINALLY (ALL the above was just last Monday!) Then stress at work, a mental and emotional breakdown in front of ALL co-workers and boss, and being sick A LOT brought my week to a close! I can't believe I survived it in one piece!


I am SO glad this weekend has been a great one, it was MUCH NEEDED! I can only hope that this week goes well and more great weeks follow, because I desperately need less stress and tears in my life. Oh the joys of the pregnancy hormones! My poor husband has just held me and let me cry over the smallest things, like the apartment being too hot, or I'm just simply not feeling well and tired. Or who knows I could have just dropped something (for the hundredth time) and the tears start. I have felt very overwhelmed this past week and gladly welcomed the calm of the weekend. :-D


Knowing how stressed I had been during all last weeks drama, my hubby made me smile every time I opened my lunch at work! 





                                               
 I know I have the BEST husband EVER!


As promised here are the picture updates! :-D Some new things for Rylan AND a 6 1/2 month bump picture! ENJOY :-D





 I COULDN'T pass these two shirts up. I bought both for a total of $3. Rylan will wear them some day! :-D


                                                                 
                                           ~6 1/5 Months~




Friday, May 27, 2011

On high alert...

As I woke yesterday it started as any other day. Relax before work, make and have lunch, then get ready and head to work. Since we haven't had cable for two weeks now, we decided to cancel knowing it really is a luxury and not something we need, Kevin and I had not watched any shows that would have led us to know that a tornado warning was in effect for the day.

With a quick good bye to Kevin I headed into work. Once inside I was then informed that a tornado warning was in effect for Chambersburg and the surrounding areas. I quickly sent a text to Kevin as tornadoes are his biggest fear,(for good reason), making sure he was aware of the possible storm. Without the feeling of uneasiness hindering my emotions I began work. As my friend and I worked we casually mentioned the tornado warning but continued to work again feeling the threat to not be too serious, I mean come on this is Chambersburg we shouldn't get one, not today... (Right?).

Without any warning the rain pounded the roof of the warehouse, in turn causing the impending doom to set in. I am not sure time frames in which things started happening, it all went by so quickly. All I can remember is hearing the chilling sound of a down pour of what we then realized was now hail hit the ceiling. As we continued to work the fear and threat of the storm pierced the air. My friend and I were no longer wondering what was going to happen, we were waiting, waiting for our severe weather alert siren to go off. Even when you have told yourself to be prepared to hear that siren (and know it's NOT a drill) the wave of fear that comes over you once hearing that sound and the announcement "Head to your nearest bunker" is instantaneously a heartbeat skipping reality check. Quickly leaving our work behind, we grabbed our things, and headed to our designated areas. Already phone in hand, I was sending out text message after text message making sure my family and friends were OK. With my heartbeat rising with every step towards shelter my stomach fluttered and my motherly instincts kicked in, resting my hand on my bump I prayed and told Rylan it would be ok.

As I sat and waited for all my family and friends to text back, I gripped my phone and bit my tongue pushing down all my emotions as I would send and receive messages one after the other:  "I'm safe" "I'm in our basement" "Be safe" and the hardest to receive and send "I love you".  The personalities of my co-workers were so evident in those moments as people struggled to get cell phone signals and internet weather reports. We had some giving us a play by play of time lines and when it was to hit our area and others receiving text messages and phone calls from loved ones saying 911 had called them leaving a warning message on their answering machines to get to shelter. As my co-workers reported loved ones, who live in Chambersburg, telling them that their roof had been blown off and others house windows had been blown out, trees were uprooted, and power lines down; we waited  for what we knew could come. My body was tense and my emotions on the verge of spilling over, it literally took all the strength I had to not break down in the midst of others laughing like nothing was happening, while others, such as myself, clutched there only lifelines and tried their hardest to reach the people they love in efforts to say I love you and make sure those they knew were safe. Finally the moment we had been waiting for arrived, even with all the talking around me the silence was eerie as even the air inside the building seemed to change. My heartbeat increased as I suddenly heard the ominous noise of what sounded to be a freight train overhead. When my friend who's light banter and smile tried to lighten the mood in that frightening hour of waiting, for the first time, gave way to her true emotions she breathed, "It's here."  In that moment I held my breath with my hands resting on the table cell phone still in hand, as what was outside came to life and I felt  the table vibrate. It all happened quickly and subsided quickly; however my fear of the day, even hours after we were back to work, lasted until my head hit the pillow last night and my eyes closed in exhaustion of the days outcome.

I am overwhelming blessed to know that my family and friends were all safe and no one was hurt. I thank God for keeping us all protected and pray that those families that were hit the hardest in our area will be ok and only possessions were what was lost... Continued prayers go out to everyone who has and will be confronted with natures wrath and devastation, as we move forward barely noticing much aftermath and we allow our emotions to give way towards heading back into our daily routine I pray we (I) never forget the overwhelming protection God has brought us, and the increasing security of knowing if it is our time to leave this earth, our heavenly father is waiting for us with open arms....the Ultimate Shelter.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Busy Busy Days!

I don't know if the way I found out (right before walking into work, causing me to force down all my emotions) about my placenta not moving much at all has caused me some mental block or something. But I honestly thought I'd cry and be upset and just feel down about everything however, I have yet to do so. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing... What I have done is CLEAN. I can't stop. All I want to do is stay home and constantly clean EVERYTHING. Last weekend we de-cluttered most of our stuff but we still have to move the full bed out of Rylans room and clean out the hall closet. We then have to put all that stuff in storage as the apartment we are now in isn't big enough for everything. We have been looking and looking for a new apartment in the chambersburg, shippensburg, or greencastle area but we have had no luck. SO we have settled into the fact that we will just have to stay in our current apartment and then after Rylan is born we may move this fall or the beginning of 2012, if the Lord opens that door for us.

I know I am behind on pictures of recent clothes bought and a bump picture :-D SO I am hoping that this weekend or sometime this week I can post some new pictures :-D Life has been crazy busy and I know as soon as May 30th hits it will NOT slow down :-D

I'm not sure when little Rylan will make his appearance. I believe it will be either the end of July or beginning/middle of August, thats just my feeling. However while we wait to meet him we have SO much going on this summer! Our schedule SO FAR is.... :-D

May 30th: Memorial Day/celebration of Pappy's Birthday at gram and paps (I am SO looking forward to this, it is my weeks fuel, I can't wait to relax with my family!)
June 1st: Pappy's Birthday
June 3rd: Last day of school and Olivia's Birthday (my little sister turns the big 10!!!!!!)
June 4th: Family celebration of livies birthday
June 6th: Next baby appointment/as well as the time we schedule (within two weeks of this date) the next sonogram appointment.
June 13th: My 24th Birthday!
June 25th: Close friends baby shower :-D
July 4th: Independence Day celebration!
July 16th: My Baby shower (Invites to come :-D)
July 29th: Victoria's Birthday (My other little sis turns the big 13!!!!!!)
July 30th: Family celebration of Victoria's birthday
August 7th: Our One Year Wedding Anniversary (WOW time goes by so quickly!!! :-D)
August 22nd: Close friends due date
August 23rd: My Dads Birthday!
August 24th: Mom and Dads Wedding Anniversary!
September 5th: My Due Date!!!

WOW I'm tired just typing all that!!! And who knows what will be thrown in there as the months move on! I will probably have to work overtime during some of that (boo, no fun) as well as possibly have more sonograms scheduled after the one that I assume will be scheduled for June 20th. And just to prepare myself I could have a c-section scheduled between the end of July/beginning or middle of August if my placenta doesn't cooperate...

 So much is going on this year! I can't believe it is going by so quickly...

Well :-( Now I have to get ready for work. 

I hope everyone has a fantastic week and it goes by quickly! I am SO ready for the weekend!!!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Leave a message at the tone....

As the day continued without a phone call my heart grew heavy. I just wanted to receive good news....

Finally on the way to work I noticed that I had missed a phone call. Of course it was my doctor. I became upset that I hadn't heard my phone and immediately called back. I was unfortunately greeted with a generic voice-mail recording; as I starred at what little time I had left before work, my chest grew tight and I began to sweat. After leaving a message I held my phone and impatiently waited for it to ring. I had only a twenty five minute window where I could receive a phone call before having to start work. Kevin and I were on edge just willing my phone to ring. As I sat there I tried to remain calm and positive. However in the same instance I allowed myself to "go there" and think that bad news could accompany this weighted phone call. I just wanted to be prepared, prepare my heart in a way... (Honestly I think my heart knew what news I was going to receive, I've known for a while, my intuition has been right during this entire pregnancy...)

I looked out the window, fidgeted in my seat, looked at the clock a million times, and felt my heart pound with every minute that ticked away. I needed to be at work in ten minutes and still no call. Then all of a sudden my phone beeped (this is a brand new phone by the way). I jumped with anticipation, but then relaxed as I knew when it beeps it is only telling me I have a notification from facebook or I have received a new email. However as I looked at my phone and saw the message appear saying "new voice-mail" my heart sank as I starred blankly at the doctors number and as I pressed play, my anger rose as I heard the faint voice of the nurse that was apologizing for our phone tag routine and really needing to discuss my sonogram results. "What!?" I yelled at my phone, so confused as to why my phone didn't ring, so angry at the entire situation, that if I hadn't needed my phone in that minute it would honestly be laying along the side of the road right now.

Before returning my doctors call for the second time I had Kevin call my phone to see if he could get through. When I realized he couldn't, my anxiety became unbearable. I was now less than five minutes from entering the gates at my workplace! I panicked and quick turned off my phone then turned it back on. Franticly my hands gripped the only thing holding me back from knowing my results and as soon as it came to life I immediately called my doctor back. I was so relieved as we pulled into my workplace parking lot when I was greeted with the nurse I needed to speak with instead of a pre-recorded voice-mail greeting. I stated my name and as I did the nurse sighed with relief glad to finally get a hold of me and tell me the news I have been dreading to hear. She spoke, "So Dr. Ginter looked at your sonogram results and there has only been a slight change, your placenta is still very close to your cervix; so this means six more weeks of pelvic rest, followed with another sonogram at the end of the six weeks." I felt my skin grow warm and my heart beat rise. My mind swirled and the only thought was "Yup, I knew it". With a faint and slow "Ok" followed with a nervous laugh so I didn't start crying, the nurse sighed along with me and spoke again "I know, I'm sorry, it's not the news you were wanting to hear". I of course agreed (what else can I do, scream at this poor nurse and say "REALLY YOU THINK!") I then asked when I needed to schedule my third sonogram and she decided we could schedule that at my next doctors appointment on June 6th. With that it was a quick good bye and the news was known....

As tears filled my eyes I strongly willed them to go away, I dropped my phone into my work bag and tried my best to avoid Kevins "What?" "What did they say hun"? And at all cost avoid looking him in the eyes. If I would have, I would have fallen apart right there and that was something I couldn't do. I briefly stated a short summary of the news as I avoided eye contact. He grabbed my hand as I reached for my lunch whispering it will be ok and giving me a short kiss. My heart grew weak and my throat started to close, I had to get out of the car before breaking down right there in my husbands arms.....(I so wanted too)

As I walked through the doors of my workplace plastering a forced smile, I clutched my work bag and walked straight towards my time clock ready to start my day. With a heavy heart and hot skin my head hurt with the plague of thoughts. I know the reality of what is to come.... I know the outcome that others have had that is positive and I know the outcome of others that was not so positive.... I know that in six weeks I will be thirty weeks pregnant and if nothing has changed, barely changed, and/or gotten worse I will need to be scheduled for a c-section that could be as early as thirty two weeks. That is the middle of July. That is soon. VERY soon.....

Willing all the thoughts aside I slid my badge into the time clock and blinked as it stated "SW" (Start Work). With a deep breath and heavy heart I walked into my break room acting as though nothing was wrong. Only my closest friend knew something wasn't right however as I avoided her eye contact as well, in fear of breaking down right in front of my entire work crew, I took a breath and told her I'd tell her later what was going on...I couldn't believe I had to be there immediately after hearing this news....I just wanted to run away from it all...

As the rest of my day has unfolded I have not had the time to just cry or really process anything. I know I have God by my side and He can do it all and that is the only strength I am relying on right now. However, as a mother, I need to just be able to feel sadness for not getting the news I so longed for. I can't feel guilty for just needing to cry over the loss of not hearing what we wanted to hear.

As I write this I am still numb and trying to remain strong for my husband. His encouraging words surround me, they follow me, the pick me up when he's not around, however right now I feel suffocated....I just need to let go...

In letting go, theres freedom. In letting go, faith can grow.


So, that is my plan.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The waiting game

Our second sonogram appointment on 5/16 I believe went well, however since we havent gotten any calls from the doctor I am a little worried that nothing changed or maybe it did and now something else is wrong. Last time we received the phone call it was that Thursday, so today I wait with baited breath as I clutch my phone begging it to ring and give me good news. The waiting is torture and I just so wish we could receive good news and everything would go back to being better.

During our sonogram the sonogram technician told us that my placenta had moved. We would like to think her statement was positive however we can't tell for sure. Rylan though sleepy and stubborn (he kept moving into positions that made it difficult to get pictures) looks adorable and all comfy :-D The technician also mentioned how long his legs were LOL. So I think, as I always thought, our little boy will tower over his mommy and daddy  :-D

On the weekend I will update with pictures :-D

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Baby Appointment

Yesterday was a day FILLED with running errands and going on road trips. I didn't slow down till 1:30 a.m. (We had a party all day! Right Mimi!? :-D )

I was SO HAPPY when I FINALLY found a diaper bag yesterday!!! I have been looking FOREVER for one and couldn't find that perfect fit for Kevin, Me, and Rylan! Finally I did for only $15!!!

Mimi got Rylan two more adorable onesies and Kevins mom bought Rylan some cute things about a week ago.

Yesterday we also had another baby appointment! Rylans bpm was 145 and my bump measurement is within the proper measurements for 23 weeks. While the doctor (the rude one, however yesterday she actually wasn't too grumpy this time) was using the doppler on my belly, Rylan kicked the monitor twice. :-D

I have actually gained weight which is good considering I hadn't gained any since getting pregnant. However it still is not considered a true gain until I surpass what I had weighed when getting pregnant. I think that the last four weeks were just "the easy weeks." I was still getting sick but had about two days where I didn't get sick. However with the way I have been feeling, I am not sure what these next four weeks will bring, we will see...

Our next baby appointment is on June 6th :-D And next Monday we go for our second sonogram. We pray everything is better and that Rylan is doing great! Your continued prayers are needed and appreciated. Thank you!




Our Awesome Diaper Bag!

What Grandma (Kevins mom) got Rylan!





What Mimi (my mom) got Rylan yesterday!




Thursday, May 5, 2011

The allure of Mothers Day

Last night after I casually mentioned (for the hundredth time) that I had gotten sick at work my amazing husband randomly says between sips of his soda, "You are the coolest woman I know! You are so strong I don't know how you do it. I am so lucky to be your husband." His statement took me off guard as he can at times be a man of few words and thinking that he already knows the routine of work and being sick since we've been dealing with this since I was six weeks pregnant his statement took me aback and brought a huge smile to my face. I am so grateful to have an amazing husband who recognizes my hard work and cares so much about me. For him to actually tell me how awesome I am, (It's something not needed to hear but definitely great to hear sometimes!) it lifted my level of exhaustion for a brief moment and all my stress melted away.

Which brings me to my next thought, the one I have had since May began. All of the exhaustion, stress, and hardships that you go through while caring your child, your blessing from your heavenly Father; it's all worth it....not for the presents or the kudos of delivery. But just that simple statement "I am a Mother". It makes everything gone through, nothing and everything worth it all.

As mothers day inches closer I have to say I have never felt so connected to the thought of an entire day just for mothers and the thought that I am now forever going to be a part of that day, it brightness my world and gives me the serenity in feeling complete; as all I have ever wanted is to be a mom. Mothers Day was always so special to me for different reasons, I have two amazing woman in my life to shower in a special gift and card. I am so blessed to have two mother figures in my life. My Grammy and my Mom mean the world to me and I will forever hope to be able to show Rylan how much I love him through the showering of love I have received from these two beautiful amazing woman. I am now even more blessed to have an amazing Mother-in-Law who just adds more love and support; and who is such a blessing to not just have the opportunity to know, but to now be family.

As Rylan gets older I can't wait to see what his personality will be like and to see what gifts he picks out for me on mothers day and my birthday (FYI Daddy: if a box of animal crackers is what he picks out or a shirt that you know I would have never worn in the past is exactly what he thinks I need, DON'T discourage him! I will love anything, even if it's a home made card, I like those best! :-D)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Hello May...(I like where this is going)....bring more happiness please!

The months are counting down! MAY is here :-D 

I'm not sure if it's simply the anticipation of each month fading into the next that brings the closeness of being able to meet our handsome little boy to the surface; in turn causing my mind to wander... Who knows what it is; all I know is, I had the BEST dream last night!

Most of my close friends know that I don't dream (well, ok Aunt Kara, I do dream but I don't remember :-D) Anyways, to me dreams do not often accompany my sleeping routine; however since I have been pregnant I have had the most vivid, strange, sometimes scary 'nightmares', that (I know) I will ever have!

Last night however was like I said, the greatest dream ever. I am not sure where I was, it felt like I was at my moms house in her hallway. My mom and grammy were there in an area that could have been considered the kitchen (the layout is always weird in dreams I didn't see them I only heard them and had the feeling of where they were.) I heard them talking and then all of a sudden my mom said "Oh he's awake! I can't believe you had this little boy, he is so cute." I smile and start to walk out from the hallway thinking my little boy is a baby but then suddenly this little toddler comes running around the corner. I sit down on the floor as I welcome this little boy running towards me his arms open wide. His skin is fair and his face round and adorable. His blonde almost white hair falls in loose ringlets around his face. As I pick him up his smile widens as he looks up at me with the cutest angelic face and cutest pair of glasses. He then says so endearingly and clearly that just thinking about it gives me the chills. He says in awe "Mommy, you have the most beautiful eyes!" Taken a back by his words I hold back tears and look at him wishing I could see more of his eyes that are hidden behind glasses. However as I look closer at his angelic face I catch a glimpse of the most beautiful golden eyes I have ever seen and say "Dear baby, you have the most amazing beautiful eyes!" With a big smile Rylan wraps his arms around me and buries his head in my shoulder. It all felt so real. As his embrace engulfs me and his love, ever present, I whisper, "You remind me so much of your daddy.".... And with that he pulls back and looks at me so serenely and simply smiles....

As the dream faded the picture of my little boy (resembling a little version of my husband with a little hint of me) has not left me. I cherish that dream and my baby's words and embrace. Thank you dear Jesus for bringing me the comfort of one day being able to have a moment like the one I dreamt.


Dear Rylan, my beautiful sweet baby boy, I can't wait to hold you... and never let go.