Finally on the way to work I noticed that I had missed a phone call. Of course it was my doctor. I became upset that I hadn't heard my phone and immediately called back. I was unfortunately greeted with a generic voice-mail recording; as I starred at what little time I had left before work, my chest grew tight and I began to sweat. After leaving a message I held my phone and impatiently waited for it to ring. I had only a twenty five minute window where I could receive a phone call before having to start work. Kevin and I were on edge just willing my phone to ring. As I sat there I tried to remain calm and positive. However in the same instance I allowed myself to "go there" and think that bad news could accompany this weighted phone call. I just wanted to be prepared, prepare my heart in a way... (Honestly I think my heart knew what news I was going to receive, I've known for a while, my intuition has been right during this entire pregnancy...)
I looked out the window, fidgeted in my seat, looked at the clock a million times, and felt my heart pound with every minute that ticked away. I needed to be at work in ten minutes and still no call. Then all of a sudden my phone beeped (this is a brand new phone by the way). I jumped with anticipation, but then relaxed as I knew when it beeps it is only telling me I have a notification from facebook or I have received a new email. However as I looked at my phone and saw the message appear saying "new voice-mail" my heart sank as I starred blankly at the doctors number and as I pressed play, my anger rose as I heard the faint voice of the nurse that was apologizing for our phone tag routine and really needing to discuss my sonogram results. "What!?" I yelled at my phone, so confused as to why my phone didn't ring, so angry at the entire situation, that if I hadn't needed my phone in that minute it would honestly be laying along the side of the road right now.
Before returning my doctors call for the second time I had Kevin call my phone to see if he could get through. When I realized he couldn't, my anxiety became unbearable. I was now less than five minutes from entering the gates at my workplace! I panicked and quick turned off my phone then turned it back on. Franticly my hands gripped the only thing holding me back from knowing my results and as soon as it came to life I immediately called my doctor back. I was so relieved as we pulled into my workplace parking lot when I was greeted with the nurse I needed to speak with instead of a pre-recorded voice-mail greeting. I stated my name and as I did the nurse sighed with relief glad to finally get a hold of me and tell me the news I have been dreading to hear. She spoke, "So Dr. Ginter looked at your sonogram results and there has only been a slight change, your placenta is still very close to your cervix; so this means six more weeks of pelvic rest, followed with another sonogram at the end of the six weeks." I felt my skin grow warm and my heart beat rise. My mind swirled and the only thought was "Yup, I knew it". With a faint and slow "Ok" followed with a nervous laugh so I didn't start crying, the nurse sighed along with me and spoke again "I know, I'm sorry, it's not the news you were wanting to hear". I of course agreed (what else can I do, scream at this poor nurse and say "REALLY YOU THINK!") I then asked when I needed to schedule my third sonogram and she decided we could schedule that at my next doctors appointment on June 6th. With that it was a quick good bye and the news was known....
As tears filled my eyes I strongly willed them to go away, I dropped my phone into my work bag and tried my best to avoid Kevins "What?" "What did they say hun"? And at all cost avoid looking him in the eyes. If I would have, I would have fallen apart right there and that was something I couldn't do. I briefly stated a short summary of the news as I avoided eye contact. He grabbed my hand as I reached for my lunch whispering it will be ok and giving me a short kiss. My heart grew weak and my throat started to close, I had to get out of the car before breaking down right there in my husbands arms.....(I so wanted too)
As I walked through the doors of my workplace plastering a forced smile, I clutched my work bag and walked straight towards my time clock ready to start my day. With a heavy heart and hot skin my head hurt with the plague of thoughts. I know the reality of what is to come.... I know the outcome that others have had that is positive and I know the outcome of others that was not so positive.... I know that in six weeks I will be thirty weeks pregnant and if nothing has changed, barely changed, and/or gotten worse I will need to be scheduled for a c-section that could be as early as thirty two weeks. That is the middle of July. That is soon. VERY soon.....
Willing all the thoughts aside I slid my badge into the time clock and blinked as it stated "SW" (Start Work). With a deep breath and heavy heart I walked into my break room acting as though nothing was wrong. Only my closest friend knew something wasn't right however as I avoided her eye contact as well, in fear of breaking down right in front of my entire work crew, I took a breath and told her I'd tell her later what was going on...I couldn't believe I had to be there immediately after hearing this news....I just wanted to run away from it all...
As the rest of my day has unfolded I have not had the time to just cry or really process anything. I know I have God by my side and He can do it all and that is the only strength I am relying on right now. However, as a mother, I need to just be able to feel sadness for not getting the news I so longed for. I can't feel guilty for just needing to cry over the loss of not hearing what we wanted to hear.
As I write this I am still numb and trying to remain strong for my husband. His encouraging words surround me, they follow me, the pick me up when he's not around, however right now I feel suffocated....I just need to let go...
In letting go, theres freedom. In letting go, faith can grow.
So, that is my plan.
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